Home Birth
As soon as my husband and I started talking about our birth plans, I knew I wanted to do a home birth as long as there was a contraindication for it. I had not known many people who gave birth at home, all of my patients who came to the clinic for prenatal support ended up having a hospital birth. I instinctively knew that I wanted to give birth in the comfort of my home and I imagined having my baby in a birth tub.
Once I made the decision and talked to my husband about the importance of doing a home birth, it was not difficult to find home birth midwives and people who had the home birth experience. Our midwife Grace Bender is just around the corner from my clinic, and doula Susi who offers pre-post natal massages at the clinic was an obvious choice. My husband and I went to 5 weeks of hypnobirthing classes at Brilliant Births where we learned different techniques to manage the surges. I went to pelvic floor specialist who told me at week 38 that I was doing well. I thought I was ready anytime after week 37. I was very uncomfortable moving around with an extra fifty pounds, and I was very excited to meet my daughter. What’s more, my brother was going to come the day before the due date and would only be able to stay for 10 days, and I really wanted him to meet Hazel.
When week 39 came and I was still pregnant, I was doing everything to start the labor. My due date was on Saturday the 16th, and that week on Tuesday I had an acupuncture treatment with Dr. Ana, and another one with Myra, LAc on Thursday. I also had a prenatal massage with Susi to prepare my body to relax and open. I did moxa on spleen 6 point at home, did exercises on the birth ball, and ate spicy food and dates before I came to the realization that I actually had no control over the process. Hazel was going to come when she was ready at the right time, so I had a good cry and stopped being obsessive about the timing.
Two days after my due date on the 18th, after dinner around 9 pm, I started to have strong contractions every 6 minutes or so. My husband and I were awake all night. I was blown away by the intensity of the surges. By the morning, we called our doula Susi and midwife Grace. Susi arrived first and reassured me that things were going as they should. She supported me by holding certain acupressure points, and my husband was pressing my sacrum around urinary bladder 32 area. I was holding the comb as hard as I could. Grace checked the baby’s heartbeat and my cervix and told me that things were progressing. After a while they both went home, encouraging us to be together and ride the surges and when the time was ready, we would know when to call them.
During the day the surges varied, sometimes they were farther apart, sometimes closer, but with each of them, I had a lot of pain, more than I could ever imagine. I was trying all the tools we have learned: hypno breathing, acupressure points, hair comb, rebozo, birth ball, lying, standing… I was already exhausted, unable to eat anything but fruit and coconut water. I had not slept for hours and felt like there was no end to it. I asked my husband to fill the birthtub. Honestly being in the birth tub, in warm water was the only consistent method that seemed to give me the endurance that I needed for the active labor. My best friend came by with flowers and fruits, I remember talking with her between surges but then I drifted to a different zone where I was not even aware of who was around me, I turned inside to pull strength from places that I didn't know existed. Two months ago for our baby shower, we made tea candles with evil eyes in them to give to our friends, and told them that my husband would text them when to light them up during labor. I don’t remember exactly what time but sometime in the early evening I asked my husband to text friends and asked them to light the candles. I felt like I needed something otherworldly.
Once the surges became very close to each other during the night, especially during the pushing part, I felt like the animal in me had awoken. I was in a different state of consciousness, I was screaming, crying, and praying. Later my brother showed me a picture of his thumb bruised and purple from me holding his hand as tight as possible during each surge. My husband and brother later told me that I looked like I was completely in my body but in a deep trance state. I had not known that the pushing could be so long and painful. After reading hypnobirthing and orgasmic birth books and watching heavily edited home birth videos, I imagined our baby slowly and gently coming out. The reality was not orgasmic or gentle. After 90 minutes of pushing, finding the last piece of strength with the last push, despite knowing that I was ripping my tissues (now I know the meaning of the ring of fire), I pushed her out squatting in the hot tub. My husband got into the tub and we held our little baby Hazel, and at that moment with the shock, exhaustion, hormones, and emotions, we were in a dream-like state. Soon afterward my midwife and the second midwife stitched me up and did the newborn screening. Our doula stayed to make sure that breastfeeding was ok. Around 4 am, everybody left and we were left to be with her, feeling extremely grateful.
It took me almost two weeks to write the story, every time I thought about it, it brought so much emotion. A few days ago my husband, Hazel and I had a craniosacral session at our home. The session helped me to shed tears and process the birthing experience as it was. I was then able to accept it and own it. People say birthing people have birth amnesia so that they can have babies again. I have the memory of the pain but it is vague now. I still can’t say that if I had a second baby I would definitely have another natural birth. It was the hardest, most painful thing I have ever done in my life. I have huge respect for anyone who gave birth without medication or with an epidural or c-section, it is a right of passage and the result is so precious!